July is National Cleft and Craniofacial Awareness and Prevention Month! In today’s post, I will be doing the first of a three part Q&A session with Lisa Stout, the mother of Alexandra Marie Stout, who was born with a unilateral cleft lip and palate. Alexandra (Allie), is now 27 years old, just earned her Master’s degree, and is a practicing speech language pathologist! Part 1 of the Q&A series will be all about Allie - her diagnosis, raising her with confidence, and talking to her about her cleft. 

Part 1: Raising Allie

How were you able to raise Allie to be confident?

Raising our daughters to be confident was something I can remember being very important to me. I was raised by very loving and caring parents, so this played a big part in how my husband, Darin, and I raised our girls. We did not want to hyperfocus on external qualities, but rather focus on internal beauty - how hard Allie made us laugh, her ability to connect with people, and her witty sense of humor. We would constantly remind Allie that she was beautiful and God had big plans for her life. Sometimes we would even be playful with her and tell her, “Thank goodness you have a cleft, Allie, because you would be too perfect if you didn’t have a little something extra.” She loved hearing that. I believe making it a fun experience takes a little fear out of the hospitals and surgeries and therapy. 

How did focusing on other character traits, besides outward beauty, impact Allie? 

It was fun for our family to focus on the many other qualities that Allie possesses.  She was quite funny and had a great sense of humor as a young girl. She loved to tell us silly stories and had a very quick wit. Her sarcasm was one of the many traits we loved about her. Allie loved hearing positive things about herself. Her ability to connect with people was something we complimented Allie on often. She had the ability to make a person feel special and loved. Often times we would hear how engaging our daughter was, especially in high school. Her teachers and professors would share with us how she could be shy at times, but was such a joy to have in class. We would let Allie know what great communicator she was and this had a huge impact on her. I am a firm believer that sharing compliments about your children, with your children, can help them grow in their confidence.

How did you talk to Allie about her cleft? 

We wanted Allie about to feel comfortable about her cleft, but it really was never a big topic for her. She would tell us she had a “squishy nose” and we all loved her cute “squishy,” as it was known in our family. It became something so endearing to all of us. I can remember one of Allie’s first surgeons told us we would probably miss some of her features after she had her aesthetic surgeries - and he was right.

There were days when we would have to remind Allie about her nose. When she would drink fluids, often it would come out of her nostrils. She would always have her special tissues in her pocket so we didn’t need to always remind her in public or possibly embarrass her….we were very careful about those type of situations. It wasn’t a negative thing that she had tissues, unlike her brother and sister, it just an “Allie thing” and we all were used to it. 

When the surgeries were about to happen, we would include Allie in the conversations.  We would let her know that this was just the next step in the process. Whether it was her bone graft or jaw surgery, we always made it about being healthy, not about “fixing something.” For example, we told her that after her surgery, she would be able to wear braces like her sister...she couldn’t wait for that! Other than big things, like surgery, or hospital stays, our family made Allie’s journey a normal part of daily life. Doctor visits, IEP meetings, speech therapy, and pre-op/post-op appointments added to our busy schedule, but so did sports, dance, doctor’s appointments, and other school functions that we made happen for her siblings…

it was teamwork that made our family work!

Thanks for following along for Part One of this Q&A series and be sure to subscribe to hear Part Two (all about Allie’s siblings, her family, and their journey) with Lisa next month! Feel free to leave any questions you would like Lisa to answer in the comments below!

...mg